mostly fine #16: I Scabbed
Wherein I cross the picket lines of the WGA Strike
I have a confession. A very big, embarrassing confession. On September 8th, 2023, I emailed members of the Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers a pitch packet with several ideas for television shows and movies that I would like to develop on their networks and streaming platforms. At the time, the Writers Guild of America had been on strike for months, and negotiations had gone stagnant. With studios starved for content, I figured this was my best opportunity to get seen, as prolific television writers like JJ Abrams and Vince Gilligan were barred from developing new projects. However my ideas were met with resounding silence.
With the WGA Strike ended, and my prospects of developing these properties diminished to the dying embers of an exhuasted tea candle, I have decided to share the ideas here in this newsletter. Below are the some of the pitches I sent to members of the AMPTP.
American Shark Tank Warrior
Combining two beloved American competition shows, American Shark Tank Warrior is a battle of brawn and business acumen. Success is sparse, as contestants must bounce across the Quad Steps, balance on the Bridge of Blades, hold tight to the Log Grip, and climb the Warped Wall where the Sharks are waiting to hear their million dollar ideas and invest for a stake in America’s next Fortune 500 company. But watch out! American Gladiators Cyclone and Hellga are on coke benders, and they’re ready to break some knee caps.
To be clear, Cyclone and Hellga are not part of the cast, so you don’t have to pay them. You just bring them to set, give them some lines, and let them loose. (I’m just assuming that Sarandos has coke on hand at all time given the way he greenlights and cancels shows like a manic, indecisive squirrel.) They’re really only there to increase the nostalgia factor, and if they do attack one of the contestants it should help us to go viral.
Thank you for your consideration, and remember: I will work for exposure.
The Dead and the Unborn
Based on the hit Netflix film Blonde, this gritty detective crime drama tells the story of Marilyn Monroe and her CGI Fetus solving crimes in the 1950’s, but this detective has an awful secret: a debilitating case of pica! Can Marilyn track down the Butcher of Plainfield while deficient in zinc and iron?
In order for this to work, we’ll need to stick with the visual style of Blonde. Every cut will need to switch between color and black & white. Also, no more Ana de Armas. She’s too expensive. Instead we bring in Martin Lawrence as Big Momma, throw a wig on him/her, and call it a day.
Thank you for your consideration, and remember: I will work for exposure.
Taintpuncher
Despite a drop in quality, non-Snyder superhero films are still profitable. Everyone wants their own MCU, but there’s no quick success formula or IP that has panned out… until now!
An amateur MMA fighter and responsible billionaire - who doesn’t exploit his employees by underpaying them or over working them, so stop thinking about it so much - becomes so upset with the crime and scum that runs amok in his city, so filled with rage at wrongdoers, that he wants to punch everyone who taints the good name of his hometown. Thus he dons the moniker “The Taintpuncher!” Willing to compromise on the origin story, not the name though.
Thank you for your consideration, and remember: I will work for exposure. Will not change the name, though. That’s a dealbreaker
Who Let the Dogs Out
Pete Townsend and Roger Daltrey have spent their golden years relaxing, spending time with family, and purchasing child sex abuse imagery researching online child sec abuse image dealers to launch a campaign against child sex abuse. After years of having not died, the two men are bored with the retired life and team up for one last gig. But they’re not play a show. Oh no. They’re opening a humane shelter.
Can Roger keep all these pups fed until they’re adopted? Can Pete stop the randy new cat from spread FIV to the other felines? Find out, on Who Let the Dogs Out.
Thank you for your consideration, and remember: I will work for exposure.
Rejected
There were other pitches, but much like these, they were rejected. That’s just how it goes in showbiz. So to the writers who struck, I’m sorry I tried to scab. To the studios who rejected me, you’ll regret this when Taintpuncher crushes at the box office.
Media Recommendations for you to Ignore
Music: The CIA by glass beach - NEW GLASS BEACH! I repeat, NEW GLASS BEACH. This band came to my attention in late 2019 with their first album “the first glass beach album,” and somehow they struck a cord online and built a following amongst the queer community, particularly trans folks. The new track features some absolutely insane drums, but that shouldn’t be a huge surprise given the technical mastery of their respective instruments on the first album. The only thing I don’t like on this track is J McClendon’s dragging, slurred vocals. It’s a conscious decision, but I don’t feel like it benefits the track. Still, the latter half of the song is impressive and a lot of fun.
The music video is also fun, especially in a day and age when bands are left to produce these on their own and no studio or label backs their efforts.